Controversial Bill Seeks to Standardize Wedding Practices, Drawing Criticism and Constitutional Scrutiny
*This article is a satirical piece meant for entertainment, and any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.*
After the success of Texas bill SB17 that eliminates funding for DEI related programs and staff, effectively banning DEI across Texas, Senator Bill Creighton has introduced a new bill, SB27, to ban all cultural wedding ceremonies that are not approved by the state of Texas. SB27 accomplishes this ban, by mandating the exact itinerary and schedule of a wedding ceremony. The wedding itinerary in SB27 outlined for all couples seeking a marriage license in Texas, follows the cultural practice for those of European descent, and mostly Anglo-Saxon.
SB27's sponsor, Senator Bill Creighton, says this will unite Texans, eliminating the differences that have divided the state for decades, so that all Texans can have the same shared matrimony experience in their lives.
"I once went to an African American wedding of my wife's college volleyball teammate, and I felt so out of place. I didn't recognize any of the music played, except for the traditional 'Here comes the Bride' song, but even that was played as a different version I didn't feel comfortable with" Creighton said, while taking questions outside the Texas legislative chamber. "The bridal party unprofessionally danced down the aisle, they brought out an actual broom at one point, of all things, and jumped over it! The bride could have hurt herself! This bill would protect all brides from this practice!"
Later, Creighton expressed outrage at one particular event he witnessed at this same wedding. "I was absolutely appalled when, after the opening benediction by the clergyman, the bride's sister then sang what the wedding program called the 'black national anthem'! Creighton continued, visibly flustered. "I never knew such a thing existed! To top it off, they never sang the real US national anthem at any point the whole night. Absolutely disrespectful to our country and SB27 will put an end to this, what some are calling, anti-American practice. You live in Texas, Texas is part of the USA, you sing OUR national anthem. Period."
Governor Greg Abbot's office released a statement supporting the measure and said the governor would likely sign the bill if it passes through the legislature.
"Like SB17 passed in 2023 that rid Texas of DEI programs that unfairly did not benefit all Texans, SB27 seeks to do the same thing, leveling the playing field for not just the Texas couples being married, but their attendees of these weddings themselves who can feel out of place, even offended at some practices that take place," Abbot said in a statement released by his office. "This will help newly wed couples save money, especially in our Hispanic communities, saving them from hiring a separate Mariachis band or spending unnecessary amounts of money on decorated lassos used in Mexican American ceremonies."
When asked about the constitutionality of the law and whether it would hold up in court, senator Creighton expressed superior confidence in his bill.
"SB27 does not dictate who can and cannot be married in Texas, in accordance with Obergefell v. Hodges," Creighton said. "Under current U.S. constitution law, states can't control who can be married, but they can ‘reasonably regulate the institution’. We here in Texas are just setting a standard for how to acquire a marriage license in this state. This puts into place a standard that we can all follow, that we all gather behind. All of us, as Texans, in one united journey down the aisle."
When asked about language in the bill requiring only 1 groom, dressed in a traditional tuxedo, and 1 bride, donning a traditional wedding dress, how this might affect same sex couples, senator Creighton replied "Same sex couples can get married just like anyone else. So long as someone in the ceremony represents the groom and someone separately represents the bride, we will allow them to receive a marriage license in Texas. This applies equally, whether a heterosexual sexual couple or not. Everyone is equal."
Governor Abbot's office stated SB27 is hardly any different from SB17. "Just like SB17 eliminates cultural graduation ceremonies at Texas universities and unites all students under the same graduation practices, so too shall SB27 do the same for weddings. If you support and agree with the premise of SB17, SB27 is just a natural next step."
Critics of the new SB27 have not been outspoken and no comments are yet available.
"Elections have consequences," Senator Creighton concluded, "if Texans think SB27 is not what is best for all of Texas, Republicans would not consistently be the majority party and hold all statewide elected offices, would we?"
When asked to comment about Gerrymandering practices, district packing and voter suppression laws that may help keep Republicans in power in Texas, Senator Creighton declined to comment.
.jpg)
